Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
