I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
