Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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