my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
