Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
