i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
