Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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