In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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