How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
