i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize