so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
