she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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