He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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