i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
