Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
