It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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