We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
