Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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