Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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