Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
