I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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