I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
