someone threw a dead crab at me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
