If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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