The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
