My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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