so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
