Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
