I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
