I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
