Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
