i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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