So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
