remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize