I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have tasted many bathrooms
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
