I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
