It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
