FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
