I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
