The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I should be sponsored by Trojan
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
