How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
