youre lurking in front of me
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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