i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
