i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why do cheetos always look like penises
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
