Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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