This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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