I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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