Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Can I color on your dick again?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
