I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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