Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
