i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
