I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i think i have two assholes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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