Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
