if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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