You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
