I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize