I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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