dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
