I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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