I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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