When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
